Our Exchange... and YET...

ME to HIM

I need to say a few things that may have gotten lost in all our recent conversations… I love you so much and I am so sorry for everything that I put you and have put you through.  I know that I am not easy to live with nor to love.  I know that I must have hurt you terribly for you to retreat so fully and for so long.  I am so happy to hear that you are beginning to awaken from that slumber and that you are stronger for it.  You are unbelievably wonderful and whatever happens between us I want you to know that I so admire you and what you are accomplishing.

If you will pardon the analogy, I feel at times like you’re Sleeping Beauty and I want to be your Prince Charming (talk about role reversals, right?) but how can I reach you and bring you to life when I was also your ]DRAGON]?  In a way, I contributed to your hibernation. 

I have been trying to make myself into a better person… not as selfish or moody but I’m afraid that I’ve also neglected to pick up other qualities like full forgiveness—

I looked it up and apparently the definition goes –

Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

So forgive me for not letting go of the resentment or the demand for restitution. I want to lay the matter to rest fully. 

Let me fight for you too, honey—for you and not against you.  I realize that what I’m currently doing is not the most effective way. I push you for intimacy, for a connection, but the pressure of it must drive you insane. In fact I’m inadvertently pushing you away. And I know this and I don’t know how to stop. I feel that if I do nothing, it shows apathy? And besides how am I supposed to live with this huge gap in my heart? But I will learn to mend it Eddie—especially as you deserve a full person.

I have to say that I am afraid—in the knowledge that you are no longer in love with me I fear that you are prime to fall in love. Ideally it would be with me but in truth, you could fall in love with anyone. And nowadays others have more in common with you than I do. And it makes me feel so vulnerable and inadequate.  But I also get that I have become a shell as well. I so fully immersed myself in “us” that I too lost me. How can you love a shell? I don’t know how to go about remedying this but I will look for a way. 

I ask that you take some time to think of the things you would want me to concentrate on and improve of. Things that will make your life better. I know that I hurt you and I heard you when you said you want me to get a life and to let go of all the negative things in the past and I pledge to do so.

I am in this relation for better or worse.. maybe we are in the midst of a “worse” cycle but the tide will change and there is better to come. I know it and I’m going to be here, hoping you find your way back to me, to “us.”
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HIM to ME

I know that I'm not making things easier for you during this trying time. Please understand that I'm not trying to do further aggravate the situation, but it seems that this is exactly what is happening.  We've had some very heartfelt conversations in a short span of time and they have been very productive, at least in the sense of trying to put all the issues that have been affecting us in the open.

I realize that my friendship with [HER] is eating at you and making it that much more difficult.  I apologize for not realizing how severe it is affecting you.  From my point of view, I don't see much wrong with chitchatting with her about stupid work, or talking to her about how long report is taking.  Why don't I mention these things to you? Well because I don't think you'd really be interested in hearing about it, and  maybe you wouldn't exactly understand about what some of these patients are like.  I realize that its not fair to you, so I will include you in these little "inconsequential" conversations and will try to keep the trivial topics with [HER] to a minimum, I will try harder.
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ME to HIM

I'm so confused... and I'm tired. I feel like I'm chasing after you and all you're trying to do is escape... our life, me.

It is natural that as an outsider I wouldn't understand your lingo but you don't even give me a chance. You don't necessary get everything I do or my expanding role but I try to include you...

It feels like right now you need her more than me so I retreat. I lost you long before this began...and I'm just trying so desperately to hold on to what is no longer there. . .
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HIM to ME

This is a response I started a while back, in response to one of your emails, its not finished, just wanted to make sure you received it. The new message follows afterwards.

I'm not trying to get away from you, quite the contrary if anything I'm trying to gravitate towards you.  Yes you're right, I haven't there for you emotionally and we've discussed this at length. At this point we need to move forward/and I want to do it together.  We are at a very important junction and where we go will determine the future of us.

I can appreciate that you feel I'm giving her more attention than you, and will make more of a concentrated effort to make you a more significant part of my life as you should be and hope to change the path our life together has taken.

You talk about having something concrete, something that you can focus on. I'm just worried that......

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There are so many things I want to say to you, I want to hold you in my arms and whisper lovingly that everything will be okay, that I will be your knight in shinning armor come hither to rescue you from your current plight, to slay the demons and spectres of the past that continue to haunt and torment you... Something done so easily, the utterance of these words and the pledge of hope and resurrection, such a loving and caring gesture, taking so little effort, yet I do nothing.  I find myself paralyzed with inaction, and deep down I know that I am still afraid and reluctant to act for fear of disappointing and hurting you, so instead I do nothing and in so doing exactly that which I want to avoid.

I know that you grow weary of coming to the same roadblock each time, no matter the path whether winding or direct, we always end at this junction and I am unable to overcome it, like coming to the river Styx and being unable to pay Charon for passage for lack of proper coin.  It has become my herculean task.  I know I have it within me to overcome this seemingly immovable monolith, but I am beginning to realize that I am afraid.  More like terrified.  I have buried things within me to such an extent that they are so repressed, so inaccessible, that I find myself living my life as a shadow, at least when it comes to my life with you.  It is so despairing to realize that I materialize into a more corporeal form outside our home, outside of you, almost like I am eclipsed by you.

I know you have changed so much, and that you are making an immense effort to make things work and to even push me and sometimes outright kick me in the ass to get me into action and I sincerely apologized that I have made you the defacto whiplasher.  I know it is a heavy burden and something you don't want to shoulder, specially after such repetitious lack of well, anything.

You ask whats the point, why even bother? Well I tell you that, within my very being I know that we belong together, that we are soul mates, and that is something worth fighting and struggling to save.  It is for this very reason that it is so immensely and devastatingly painful.

So I tell you this, please bare with me, please hold on whatever hope you can muster, please don't give up on us just yet, I promise you I will make it right, I will find the answers that plague me, I will open the floodgates and stand tall in the deluge, I will resurrect our relationship and we will rise together like a phoenix and commence the journey we were destined for so long ago. The dream is not dead, it is simply hibernating and I will rouse it from its slumber, together we will overcome it, locked hand in hand.
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ME to HIM

Thank u. This alone gives me a glimmer of hope... but do realize  that I am dying inside a little more each day... so please don't take forever because if you can't fix this then maybe it is better that we sever the ties, allow each other to heal, and maybe at some point in the future, a stronger, whole version of ourselves can rejoin and fulfill all that promise and potential we saw in each other so long ago. I just know that we have, what we have become to each other is ugly, toxic, and in that wasteland how can love, hope, and everything else that is good, that is progress flourish. How can we nurture something so fragile with rancor, distrust, and blame? You say I blame you, that my eyes make accusations, that my lips slay you by rehashing the past over and over... and I blame you for leaving, retreating, turning your back on me and leaving me in a one sided conversation, relationship, existence... much better had you struck me in physical violence than this slow bleeding, starvation for your attention, I grow desperate in my hopelessness. This is my holocaust.
And yet I remain here waiting, hoping against hope, starring at the abyss, almost inviting what I see as the inevitable... those words that haunt me, that drive and terrify me... frankly my dear..

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HIM to ME

I just feel so heartbroken and sad, feel like I'm grieving for something that has been lost between us, like something has been irreparably broken. But how can that be? Love should triumph right, it should overcome...

I know it sounds like I'm grieving up, but let me reassure you I'm not, guess I'm just grieving for lost opportunities, for things that should have been, but were not.  Its just very sad, leaves a void inside me.

Just being little melancholy.  If I have more thoughts ill share them with u as they come. But I just can't engage in a full on conversation just yet okay?